Will I be held accountable for feeling that my religious commitment stems from despair with life due to a birth defect and my unmarried status, along with my fear of relapse, and what is the cause of this feeling and how can I get rid of it?

The questioner is advised to turn away from the whispers of Satan, to have a good opinion of Allah, and to strengthen hope in His bounty, and to be keen on thanking Allah and supplicating Him for steadfastness. The fear of relapsing is natural for a believer, but the blameworthy fear is that which leads to despair and hopelessness. Ibn Juzay mentioned that praiseworthy fear is that which awakens the servant from heedlessness and moves him to steadfastness. As for the servant's steadfastness in obedience due to hardships, it is praiseworthy, because Allah tests His servants so that they may humble themselves before Him, and return to Him in obedience and repentance. Allah condemned those for whom misfortunes did not lead to seeking refuge in Him.