Why do I feel sadness and suicidal thoughts after repentance and drawing closer to God, while I feel happiness when listening to music and committing many sins?

To repent from sins and regain the sweetness of faith, sincere will and determination are required, beginning with a sincere repentance that involves remorse, abandonment of sins, and a firm resolve not to return to them.

One must have a good opinion of Allah and supplicate to Him, and beware of despair and despondency.

Seek help from Allah alone, follow evil deeds with good ones, maintain prayers with their due humility, choose good companionship, and turn to the Book of Allah for recitation and contemplation.

Suicide is a loss in this world and the hereafter.

The pleasure of sin is fleeting and leads to distress, and the reality of a servant is their heart, which finds tranquility only in the remembrance of Allah and His servitude.

Losing the sweetness of faith is what drives one to pursue forbidden things, for faith is the nourishment of the heart, and its sweetness cannot be tasted unless it is free from ailments and desires.

If the heart is freed from its ailments, it will find the sweetness of faith and be content with it, needing no longer to find sins appealing.